Lately, I’ve returned to my roots in investigative journalism. I’m trying to get to the bottom to a recurrent episode of collective madness where every four years a marauding posse of celebrities, media figures, and supreme court justices go rampaging through the political landscape with hammers. We’ve still got more than two months to go til the election, and so far, I’ve gotten blitzed with urgent messages telling me that Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, Mark Cuban, Stephen Colbert, and George Clooney are all dropping their hammers, e.g. “Liz Cheney Dropped. The. Hammer.” Click through to the messages, though, and it turns out they’re actually swinging their hammers.
Clarence Thomas has been a notable victim of hammer violence. Stephen Colbert took a swing on June 18 (also lunging for Justice Alito). Liz Cheney dropped her hammer on Clarence Thomas on July 3, the same day that Justice Sonia Sotomayor tried to bludgeon her colleague. The very next day, Robert Reich celebrated July Fourth by giving Clarence Thomas a tune up. No wonder Thomas has sought refuge on mega yachts!
Some of these hammer attackers seem to be particularly bloodthirsty. Having dropped her hammer on Thomas, Liz Cheney then picked it up and launched it at Marjorie Taylor Greene on July 26. Rachel Maddow wailed on Project 2025 on July 16, but apparently Project 2025 got back up so Maddow launched another roundhouse on July 21.
Kamala Harris and Tim Walz dropped their hammers in unison on Donald Trump, but, unaccountably, that two-pronged attack only caused a “hissy fit.” Apparently, they both could use a little instruction at the Blackwater Training Center.
Hammer attacks must be expensive as every single message has been accompanied by desperate pleas for money, all claiming 300% to 400% matches. As often as not, I get these urgent pleas just as the matches are about to expire by midnight!
If the past is any guide, all of these maniacs will snap out of it and return to their normal lives on Nov.6. So, it’s urgent that I get to the bottom of this before the election is upon us. Please help me expose this episodic madness. Any contributions to my gofundme will trigger a 600% match, but act fast as this offer will expire at midnight!
